SOMETIMES LIFE THROWS STONES

There are times when one feels that life will never regain balance.One seems to just start recovering from a stonning, only to have it start all over again. What's been happening in our lives of late has been so upsetting and sad.

The last time I blogged was the 14th of June 2011. It seems so much has happened, although it's truly one thing. Where to begin? What to share? what not to share?

Simon - January 2010

Simon went back into hospital on Friday the 17th of June with his leg severely swollen again and in severe pain. Joce and I had to carry him to the car, he was so weak and in so much pain. I waited with Si in the sittingroom, while Joce got the car as close to the front door as she could. We were on the sofa together in the sun. I sat close to Simon trying to comfort him. In his own way he said goodbye. Simon passed away in the very early hours of the 22nd of June 2011. Joce and Rich almost made it, Si had been gone for about 10 minutes when they got to the hospital at about 00h20. Joce said he looked so beautiful and at peace.

One wonders how we will ever recover from something like this, but as we have been told by so many "life goes on".

Words can't explain how I have felt and am still feeling about this tragedy. So I choose to be quite because I can't explain. I'm inclined to withdraw when I'm stressed, or having to cope with something painful. In our circumstances, my withdrawing would have been impossible and cruel to Jocelynn, who really needs me now. Family and friends have been incredible. There has been a steady stream of visitors from the morning of the 22nd, till well after the funeral. Wonderful family and friends are still keeping contact.

For me this is a time of giving, coping, contemplation and soul searching.

Outwardly, Liam who is now 10 months old is unaware of the tradegy that has stuck his family. He was hardly sitting when Joce moved in with us the beginning of April, now he is crawling and pulling himself up every chance he gets. He is a delight and most certainly the light of Joce's life.

As far as we can tell Joce is coping well, but even with one's own child, who knows what she is keeping to herself. She has been so strong since Si was dianosed in June last year.

We've had a very cold July and my poor garden is really looking sad. We don't get snow that makes the garden look like a wonderland. We just have dusty browns and yellows. I've been putting a few ornaments in the garden to cheer things up a bit.

I've not had routine in my life since May 2010. As soon as I feel, okay, now I'm getting somewhere, something happens to upset the apple cart.

The garden ornaments are from Mr Price. Although I love having original items from local crafts people in my home and garden, in this time of need the items from China are cheering.

I also managed to plant some Swiss Chard and Rainbow Lights spinach seedlings, as well as some pansies just off the patio.

When I walk around my garden, my insides churn at all the things I feel I should be doing. So much to tidy. I'm not inclined to let Mother Nature take her course and like the flower beds to be weed free and the stones and  pathways to be clear.

Spinach seedlings with sunflower seed shell mulch

Pansie

Self seeded Primula

Here I left nature alone, these primula have seeded themselves from last year.

Beading and making jewellery has not been at the top of the list of late. Liam's cot is set up in my studio, so I've been doing things on my lap whenever possible. Here's the simplest bracelet made up of a muddle of glass beads and metal, threaded on elastic.

The beaded bangle is one of my birthday presents to myself. They are resting on a necklace of mother of pearl buttons. Bevan and Claire got the necklace from Kim Sacks Gallery in Johannesburg.

Emma

My birthday present from my very dear friend Bon. I've named the piggy watering can Emma. Bon and I went for breakfast last Saturday at Cafe 41 in Arcadia. I had a great time, just sitting and chatting in the winter sun in their courtyard. Bon knows me well, I don't even have to explain. Bon also made the birthday card, so special.

The card Bon made

I splurged out for my birthday and bought a smallish Persian carpet for the sitting room. I'll take a pic another day. Liam's playpen and toys are all over the carpet.

My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I have an overwhelming desire not to leave our home. But then can't settle when I'm alone. This has been an unfamiliar time, these past four weeks of grieving for one so young and also for the loved ones left behind.

Maybe our time for healing, peace and the comfort of routines will soon be upon us.

The necklace from Kim Sacks Gallery.